


Loveland

by nurkat



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Coroner, Death Investigation, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Forensics, Horror, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, Missions Gone Wrong, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reader injured, Reader-Insert, Star Trek - Freeform, away mission, graphic content, graphic descriptions of death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:47:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26700895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nurkat/pseuds/nurkat
Summary: A Starfleet forensic investigator (reader) is sent on an away mission to figure out what happened to the crew of the U.S.S. Loveland.
Relationships: Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Reader
Comments: 5
Kudos: 29





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> An in progress, forensic exploration, mystery and thriller!  
> I'm eager to post the very beginning and hopefully receive some feedback.  
> Planning on this being a long one.
> 
> Always, much love.

“What do you think we’re going to find when we get there?” I asked.

“Hopefully an alive crew,” Leonard McCoy remarked.

“Yeah,” I rolled over and put my arm over his chest as he pulled the covers around my shoulders. He was warm, and comforting.

I belong to the forensic team on the Enterprise. We seldom have need for deployment, and I spend my time helping in sickbay when needed or being an extra science officer on away missions. I’m thankful this role doesn’t have to be utilized all the time.

Currently, we are on our way to a derelict ship. The U.S.S. Loveland had sent a distress signal before launching escape pods and abandoning ship. Long range scans show there are no living organisms onboard. I always hope the sensors are wrong.

My communicator chirped, my name and rank was requested. I groggily flung my arm to tap it on my nightstand and respond, “I’m here”. I rolled on to my back, Leonard stirred and threw his arm over me, getting comfortable as he continued to sleep. It was 0400 hours.

“Lieutenant, the captain wants you and your team to deploy. Shuttle bay 1 is being prepped now for your departure.”

“Thank you, Ensign,” you were slightly more awake. This is not the call you wanted to get. There’s always hope, even when your gut and your analytics tell you otherwise. I have to holdon to hope.

“Len, I’ve gotta go,” you leaned over and kissed his forehead. You woke him, but barely.

“I-love-you” was slurred into a single word. “Be safe, I’ll see you as soon as you get back.”

“Love you too. I’ll get as much information I can.”

You quickly did your morning routine, before grabbing your mission bag. With the evolution of Starfleet, the term _coroner_ wasn’t exactly relevant, but in situations that involved death investigation, that’s exactly what I was.


	2. Chapter 2

Commander Spock joined me and my assistant, Ensign Kati Ozana in the shuttle bay. Kati took her seat to navigate and Spock prepped for departure. I ensured my equipment was functioning and charged adequately. I’ve found that nothing is worse than having your forensic tricorder fail 2 hours into an investigation.

The ship appeared undamaged from the view screen. There was evidence of escape pod deployment, but no trail or trace of them were left.

“Ma’am I’m detecting what appears to be some natural ionizing radiation, it may be interfering with our sensors.”

“Figured,” you smirked, “Kati, would you mind getting a 360 shot of the Loveland for documentation then?” Although it would seem moot, everything is considered evidence. The presence or even the lack thereof tells a story. She obliged and we moved in closer to examine the hull.

“Sensors are also indicating the presence of theta radiation coming from within the ship. The reported levels are low, however we should still take precautions,” Spok said mathematically.

“Kati, be sure to bring the camera with us, in case our tricorders malfunction. I’m worried they might”.

“Yes, Ma’am”.

We suited ourselves and prepared to board the Loveland. “Is everyone ready?” I asked, unsure what else to say. The two silently nodded before we proceeded.

Kati was ayoung Orion who was eager to begin forensic training. I know Starfleet prepares cadets for, less than pleasant experiences, it’s much more difficult when you can’t just turn away. The bodies are evidence, the scenes begin to decay immediately after the injury or death. It’s so important to get all the information in the moment. I worry about her. She’s assisted with autopsies before, but they were usual things, like the elderly Bolian bureaucrat who was found deceased in his bed. Or the noncompliant Bajoran who felt their condition wasn’t real. These tend to be easier. At least to handle emotionally, as it’s a natural course.

It’s the uncertainty to situations such as this that are earth-shaking, regardless of preparation. I’ve been doing this for 10 years, and there are still cases that will wake me up at night. I still hear the cries of loved ones. Or I see the disfigured faces after trauma. Most of the time, though, it’s the smell. PTSD is funny like that, a simple smell can send you back to something you haven’t thought of in years, then suddenly it’s fresh. The raw emotion you felt in the moment gets to be re experienced.

Leonard reminds me that if this stuff didn’t affect me, I wouldn’t be human. He’s right, at least I hope so. No one escapes this universe alive, anyway.

I always hear colleagues and friends say they could never do this job. But there’s a reason to do it. I hope if I ever die unexpectedly, it’s a caring, compassionate person trying to investigate and tell my final story.


	3. Chapter 3

My suit whooshed every few seconds sending a burst of oxygen into my helmet. Although initial scans showed life-support was still intact, the concern was for radiation exposure. The ship was dark, only our shoulder lights illuminated the dark, empty corridors. The lack of other sound though, when in space, or anywhere really, is eerie. It’s just an unnatural feeling. It appeared as if the ship was simply shut off. No crew was noted. No internal damage.

“Kati, make sure you’re getting photos along our path. No duplicate shots, just enough to remember later. And let me know if you notice anything,” I asked.

Spock was quiet as usual. Not one for small talk. Kati wasn’t either, but I can understand. The silence, it was like the build in a horror movie, but the jump scare never came. It’s just, more anxiety. Waiting, straining to hear something that’s not there. The silence is deafening.

My tricorder started to flash. I couldn’t make sense of the data, “Spock, I think our sensors will be useless in here”.

“We must take extreme caution, as the levels of ionizing radiation may be increasing. Our suits are made to withstand radiation for a moderate amount of time. Perhaps that is all we need. We should make our way to engineering to see if any of the ships internal systems can detect any other reasons for the ship’s abandonment.” Spock articulated.

Out of frustration, I shook the tricorder before hitting it against my other hand, “we can just do this the old fashion way”.

The Loveland was not a large ship in comparison, but she was an intrepid-class. Her crew compliment was only 120. The corridors intersected until we reached a turbo lift. With no power, our investigation was sure to take some time. Spok offered to climb the Jeffrey’s tubes to gain access to the bridge, where he could hopefully restore some power, then take the turbo lifts to explore the rest of the ship hastily. Kati and I could fully document the adjoining areas while we waited.

We split, and Kati and I found the mess hall close by. We pried the doors open. Kati immediately turned away, and for good reason. I was so thankful for our suits as they filtered the what would be putrid smell of decaying flesh. It appeared the crew had utilized the mess area as a sickbay overflow area. Standard issue cots were placed on the floor, the dinning tables and chairs were stacked against the walls and in the kitchen area.

My attention turned to Kati, “Take a moment, I’ll start documenting in here. Let me know when you’re ready.” I wanted to tell her it’s ok not to come in. I can handle it. But that’s not my decision to make, and I’m grateful my mentors allowed me to push myself instead of them interfering. I thought of Leonard. His southern drawl made me smile as I thought about what he would say. He’d remind me to be kind.

I began to examine the bodies. There was 20 of them, they appeared hastily put on cots, their uniforms still on. No blankets. I used my tricorder, although I know it is currently compromised, it may give a clue to cause and manner of death. The skin, of all the decedents was red and appeared burned. The burns seemed consistent with all of them, and they were in the same stage of decomposition. Internal scans showed cell degeneration, but nothing else specific enough to trust.

Next to every cot, there appeared to be a bin, most were filled with emesis or bile. This looks like radiation poisoning. Especially Ionized radiation. The doses we observed from our shuttlecraft didn’t seem to be incredibly high. Something else besides the Ionized radiation had to cause this. I tapped my badge to communicate to Spock and Kati, I detailed what I had found in the mess hall. “We need to get to engineering, see what’s going on down there.”

“Lieutenant I should have basic power back on in 5 minutes. I’ll see if there is anything prudent on the bridge before I return to the turbo lift. Spock out.”

Kati had regained her composure. I utilized the time we had while waiting for Spock as a teaching moment. Questioning her thought process and what her gut was telling her to do next.

“It would also be important to access ships logs and see if the crew had discovered their fatal mishap. We can download them too from engineering, and sort through them once we’re off of this floating mausoleum.


	4. Chapter 4

Several other large gathering areas of the ship were similarly set up. There were a few cots with bodies in the cargo bays. Exact same presentation as the ones in the mess hall. We entered sickbay to find it overflowed with bodies as well, however there were an abundance of engineering uniforms with more significant burns. The skin slippage from their face caused me to squeeze my eyes closed for a moment, sending my condolences for these beings into the universe.

“Medical logs indicate a large influx of radiation-injuries to sickbay,” Spock interrupts.

A recording played, ‘ _CMO LOG Star Date 2235.202. Sensors have been unable to detect the radiation breech, but it’s apparent that our situation is growing dire in only 24 hours. Captain Sanam has ordered the remainder of us to evacuate and head to the nearest star base. I’ve ordered my nursing staff to escort those who can survive without treatment to the shuttle, the others are to be humanely euthanized as to reduce their suffering upon evacuation.’_

The recording paused after the words were followed by emotion.

_‘I-I can not leave them. …To just die. Alone. Insubordination be damned.’_

The log distorted.

The CMO had remained to care for those who were also left behind.

“We have sufficient evidence to consider this an accident, Lieutenant. Our safety is priority and we don’t know the exact levels of radiation we have already been exposed to,” Spock said pointedly.

“I would agree, but I’d like to get into engineering, quickly, and see what data I may get. If we can figure out the exact cause, we can prevent a tragedy like this happening in the future. I have to try, Spock.” I reasoned. “Perhaps you and Ensign Ozana should return and prepare the shuttle to return to the Enterprise. I will not take long. Besides, it would be helpful to get this data backed up before any other ion radiation can distort it.”

Spock agreed and accompanied Kati back to the shuttle.

The doors to engineering didn’t pry as easily as the others. I had to take a moment to catch my breath once they opened only 1/3 of a meter.

The open room was empty. The warp core was offline, but there was power to the main consoles.

A recording played. The voice was rough and scratchy, _‘Chief Engineer’s Log, I haven’t been able to locate the source of the Theta radiation. I’m not even certain that’s what it is. This Ionized radiation is mucking with all my scans. I’m going with my gut on this. I-I know I don’t have long, but if I can figure this out, maybe it will buy the crew some time. The captain reports that most of the crew is abandoning ship now. If we can just control the levels of radiation we can treat them appropriately.’_

“Theta radiation,” I thought out loud, “maybe it was the warp core”. I climbed a ladder to the warp core’s main console. It creaked and moaned as I ascended. Although compromised data was reported, when the core itself was assessed, there was no breach.

The platform below my feet groaned, but my thoughts were racing too loud, “The transkinetic chamber!” I shifted back to the console, alternating between it and my untrusty tricorder.

My badge chirped before Spock addressed me. “Lieutenant, please proceed back to the shuttle immediately. We just got a report from the Enterprise that the ship’s structures are starting to show noticeable signed of degradation. The ship is not safe. There is more radiation than we are able to assess.” The transmission distorted. I acknowledged, but I wasn’t sure if it went through.

“Let me just get the assessment of the radiometric converters,” I spoke to myself.

I felt the platform shift under my weight. It was apparent that the radiation has compromised the ship. But I have to get this data. This is the difference between understanding and prevention. I can have the data analyzed fully by our engineering team. We can relay it to Starfleet. Hopefully no crew will have to suffer the same fate. A smile cracked across my face as the scans showed multiple failures within the converters.

“That’s it!” I laughed in success, “The converters failed to recycle the theta radiation from the warp core! And I bet the Ionizing radiation disrupted scans enough to not show it immediately. With a breakdown like that, it would only take hours for the entire crew to be exposed with intense radiation.”

The platform gave way under my feet.


	5. Chapter 5

My comm kept chirping. Spock continued to contact me. My vision was cloudy when I first came to. I sat up and was greeted by an intense pain in my right side. I looked down to find a meter length metal bar sticking out from me. I touched it, I wasn’t sure if this was real or that I was dreaming. The pain tore through me, and so did my thoughts.

My suit has been compromised. Passive radiation will be able to infiltrate, as well as the radiation from the metal.

“Spock, Kati, I’m here. A platform in engineering just gave way. I’m going to head back to you, but I’m going to be a minute.”

“Lieutenant, if you are injured please stay where you are and I will retrieve you,” Spock stated.

“It’s too dangerous, Spock,” I felt hot as panic set in and my breathing became more labored. “Maybe I can make it to an escape pod,” I suggested.

“The escape pods will be just as compromised,” Spock wisely assumed. “There is too much radiation interference to beam you out”.

“Shit”. I sat back. Debating if I should go ahead and accept my death here. Or should I prolong it, drag it out as I make my way back to the shuttle.

A southern voice echoed in my head, “you be safe,”. It was Leonard. Oh goodness he’s going to be furious with me, if I live or die.

“Spock, I’m going to make my way back, if at any point you are compromised by staying, I need you and Ensign Ozana to leave me.”

“Understood, Lieutenant,” Spock reasoned. I could hear Kati arguing with him in the background.

I stared at the metal protruding, arguing with myself to leave it or take it out.

I made it to my feet, leaning on rubble and consoles alike to steady myself. Sickbay was the closest, perhaps just some epinephrine would give me the boost I need.

My hand traced the walls of the corridor, my other was keeping the metal stable. If it didn’t move it wasn’t too bad. My heart was pumping so fast already it only felt like an uncomfortable throb.

The doors to sickbay were still open when I returned, hints of the putrid flesh seeped into my suit from the tear. My stomach cramped and clenched which made my side hurt more. I already felt exhausted. I rummaged through the storage compartments until I found some trauma bandages. “I think some morphine and some epinephrine will get me out of here in no time,” I smirked, grateful for my time with Leonard McCoy. Shit, he is going to be pissed, I thought as I hung my head. I programed the hypospray for my winning combination and injected.

I waited a few moments, the mix of sedation and adrenaline caused my head to spin and I was ready. I grabbed the piece of metal with both of my hands and pulled as hard as I could. I bet my scream could have been heard throughout the ship. My vision faded to black for a moment before I could shake it off. Already feeling uneasy, I took the penetrating trauma dressing and shoved it where the metal was. When it made contact with my blood I could feel it swell, adding a new sensation of pressure and discomfort. I cursed before my head stopped swimming enough to administer more morphine.

I sank to the floor, enjoying the quick relief it gave me. It would be easier for me to just sit here and die. There's enough morphine to be comfortable. The pain subsided, and I pocketed a shot of adrenaline before I hastily left sick bay.

The ship creaked again.

I have got to get out of here.

I followed our initial path through the winding corridors, taking breaks in the turbo lifts as I ascended. It only took us 45 minutes to navigate to engineering, after Spock restored power, that is. The return trip had already felt like hours.

I began to lose my balance at the mess hall. Staggering and clinging to the wall for support. I paused to rest and catch my breath before taking out the stashed epinephrine. I pressed the hypospray to my neck and waited for it to take effect. I noticed the red blistering on my cheeks as it was reflected in my helmet. I was instantly dizzy and my vision was spotty. My heart was about to beat out of my chest, but I was able to move. I remember looking down at my right side, and seeing my typical white suit having a crimson stain, larger than when I dressed it.

I just have to get to the shuttle. Leonard will be less angry if I’m alive. But If I’m dead I don’t have to hear it. I chuckled out loud.

I flicked my communicator, “Spock, I’m in the last corridor. I’m coming”. My eyes became intensely heavy. My vision blurred and I felt myself simply lurch forwards. There was no energy left to catch myself.

Kati was there when I opened my eyes. She smiled and wiped a concerned tear from her cheek, “Lieutenant, just, hang in there, we’re going as fast as we can. You’ll be alright”.

“It was the radiometric converters that failed,” I said weakly, licking my dry lips.

“Indeed,” Spock replied, “Now may I suggest you save your strength”.

“Leonard is going to kill me.”

“You’re close enough to death that he may not have to. Ensign Ozana, I’d suggest a sedative until we return,” Spock said matter of factly.


	6. Chapter 6

I mostly remember hearing things. Kati was heavy handed with the first aid pain medication. I felt comfortable, sleepy, light. I heard Spock’s dialog with Captain Kirk. After much deliberation, a medical team would apparently meet us in the shuttle bay.

Perhaps I should pretend I’m dead, Leonard can only be buy so upset with me.

I don’t remember the landing, I remember the shuttle doors opening. There was a gust of fresh air from the Enterprise. The lights were instantly bright and I heard Leonard yelling. Two medical staff members rushed in before him with a stretcher. The light illuminated around his form. His face was stern, his brows were furrowed as he barked orders.

Everything seemed to go slow.

Then Leonard, he was so attractive. It wasn’t his rude, calloused appearance. Quite the opposite. It was his passion. Like a man on a mission; come hell or high water, he would get the job done. And if he couldn’t, well, there’s only been a few times that’s happened, thank goodness. His devastation is palpable.

I smiled when our eyes met. I’m sure my pupils were pinpoint and my skin was blistered. “Hey,” I rasped, in my drug-induced flirt, “Len, don’t be mad.”

He paused for a moment, “is she high?”

“I wanted to keep her comfortable,” Kati admitted, “Commander Spock thought—“

Leonard and his two extra help had sat me up rather quickly. My face was pale and I didn’t answer his questions like he thought I should have. My head lulled and I smirked.

“God damn it, is Commander Spock a medical expert? Don’t answer that.” I heard his fancy medical tricorder beep. “She’s still bleeding. Her blood pressure is in the toilet, MAP is 48. We need to get her out of here,” he sounded so furious. “Now!”

“What did you do?” He held my face in his hand, he spoke my name twice before my eyes opened to meet his. “I’ve got you, you’re going to be ok, sweetheart. I just need you to hang in there, alright?”

My words slurred, and my sentences were fragmented.

“I know, it’s okay. I’m going to fix you right up”.

Everything kind of, swirled together, like different paint colors on a canvas. A voice from my feet started to yell. It wasn’t Leonard.

I watched the ceiling lights of the corridors slowly pass overhead before my eyelids became too heavy.


	7. Chapter 7

Was I dead? I should be. I don’t feel anything. I looked over and Leonard was sitting with me on our sofa. We both had a glass of red wine. We were smiling, laughing with each other. When he leaned over to kiss me, my hand cupped his face and I let myself melt into him fully.

We pulled away from each other. We were on a beach. The sand was pink and I could smell the salt in the breeze. The sun caught something dull in the sand, like a seashell, matte and light in color. I didn’t get a chance to see what it was before Leonard grabbed my hand and we raced into the water. He grabbed me by my waist as we teased and splashed.

He told me how much he loved me. How much he loved us.

I did too.

The sky turned dark before the waves became colossal. Leonard drifted further away, but he was still smiling, waving for me to catch up with him. His body crested gracefully over the waves as he drifted further out. I didn’t notice one of the waves before it crashed on top of me, dragging me under. I was under for longer than felt right, but I wasn’t holding my breath. I opened my eyes as my hands brushed along the sandy bottom of the ocean. It was more peaceful than above. I was expecting the salt water to burn them, but it didn’t.

Again something caught my eye. I was touching the bottom before the wave, and now it seemed as though I was 4 meters below. I swam over to it and I don’t know why it interested me so much. It looked like a lonely piece of skinny seaweed, floating casually with the current.

I touched it, and the sand melted way from the bottom to reveal a partial scalp, the skull was buried further. The fish predation made it seem less human. There were no soft pieces of skin left. There was only darkness in the exposed eye. My stomach turned and I pushed myself towards the top.

I screamed for Leonard, but there was no one. No one was on the beach. No one else in the water.

I heard a loud boom of thunder before seeing lightening in the distance.

Another wave pushed me under. I opened my eyes again and there were more, people, underneath. The hairs waving slightly. Some were shorter, different colors, textures.

I turned away from them towards the shore, but more were becoming unearthed. More of the bodies were exposed. The bloat, the algae, the predation; It’s more unsettling when your brain is telling you they were beings, humans, family. But your head can’t wrap around what they look like now, so, unnatural.

My leg was grasped by something slimy. It didn’t have much strength and it was easy for me to slip away instinctively. But when I looked, it was a small hand, attached to an arm, buried in the sand still. It was the size of a child’s. Then it moved purposefully.

I rocketed to the surface again and swam for the shore. As hard and fast as I could, but it felt like I wasn’t making any progress.

The ocean was suddenly silent. No waves, only dark and treacherous skies. I was pulled under. I squeezed my eyes closed and I screamed.


	8. Chapter 8

I began to slowly notice my own body. The weight of a sheet and the ambient sound of monitors beeping in regular rhythms brought me slowly into consciousness. I was warm. My mind thought back to the dream I just had, or rather, a nightmare. They never really tell you how your work will affect you. It’s impossible to know when, but it will.

I knew I was in sickbay. I groaned as I sat up, swiveling my legs to dangle on the side of the bed. I felt dizzy, as if I sat up way too fast. Perhaps I did. I allowed myself to settle before starting to feel the discomfort of my injury. My feet touched the floor and to my surprise, they bore my weight and I was steady. I felt a throbbing in my side and I braced it with my arm.

I looked at the monitors, it seemed like it was the middle of the night. I know there is no such thing on a space ship, but our lighting and shifts try to keep a somewhat normal circadian rhythm.

I hesitantly peeked into Leonard’s office. He was asleep, his head in his arms on his desk. I wanted to cover him with a blanket, but I know he would immediately awaken. Thoughts flooded my mind from the Loveland. There were a few PADDs docked at the nursing station. I picked one, ensured it was charged and made my way back to my bed.

The ache was noticeable. I groaned as I slowly stretched in attempting to lift myself up onto the biobed. I must have been too loud.

“What in the hell do you think you’re doing?” Leonard was furious.

“I couldn’t sleep,” I attempted to assuage him, grunting as I swung my legs back up.

Before he could continue to scold me, he gently grabbed my legs and helped them onto the plush bed, keeping my stomach muscles from straining.

He cursed me under his breath before he continued, “damn it, you should be getting rest, or calling me to help you. I just fixed most of your innards,” Leonard’s brow furrowed.

Your eyes darted to your lap. Only Leonard could make you feel guilty, “I just wanted to jot down some things before I forgot,” he must have been able to tell I was truly remorseful. “My head is swimming.”

“Look, I’m sorry, I was just—“ he paused, “I’m worried about you. You need to slow down, and let your body rest. Your work will be there when you’re ready.” His hand grabbed mine in a slightly less than professional manner.

“I know, I just worry that I will forget some detail I didn’t realize was important until later. I need to at least make notes.”

He paused, contemplating the request before his eyes became sympathetic. He must have noticed I was already feeling exhausted. My side throbbed in a more noticeable way and it was obvious that I wasn’t doing a decedent job at hiding it. It was always difficult to hide things from Leonard.

“Just— let me see if Spock had updated any information from the Loveland. Hopefully some information from the scans will help,” I bargained.

He paused, “I’m going to get you something to make you more comfortable; you’ve got 2 minutes.”

In an attempt to organize the thoughts in my head, I spoke out loud to myself. “Why did the converters fail? There have been a few breakthroughs in mitigating that. Perhaps it was a power surge? But at a magnitude that big— oh Spock, you fabulous bastard, you did! He uploaded our data—“

“—times up!” I felt the pressure in my neck and my body sunk comfortably into the bed. I felt the PADD being gently removed from my hands.

“I don’t need to sleep,” I fussed with little effort, “this isn’t fair”.

“I think you do,” Leonard smirked.

I managed to squint my eyes in contempt as he gently kissed my forehead. I felt the sheet pull up to my shoulders and I drifted off again.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So much angst, anxiety and hurt/comfort.
> 
> I'm a raccoon with my trash. Thank you for looking at my garbage :)

I slowly awoke into the purgatory of sleep and consciousness where my thoughts began to race. The discomfort mixed with confusion as I replayed the events on the Loveland. My anxiety surged as I focused my thoughts on the information I didn’t get, missed or discarded.

The evidence I didn’t get.

I recalled some of the grotesque scenes from the Loveland, and all the souls she still held. I had to push them to the back of my mind.

My tricorder scans were presumably useless, and I should have taken bio samples at least. I figured I’d get that before disembarking. I was stupid. My experience should have known better.

I rasped Leonards name. My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth it was so dry. But he was there in a moment, “Hey. How are you feelin’?”

“Len I forgot so much, I need to go back,” my speech was pressured and my anxiety was palpable. My heart was hammering in my chest and my ears felt every beat. My gut twisted and ached, I wasn’t sure if this was stress or pain but it didn’t matter. “Leonard, I didn’t get any organic samples from the bodies.” I felt the blood leave my face as the decaying faces of the Loveland crew flashed again. I was there again, every time I blinked. Their expressions, were almost, disappointed. “I have to go back!” I felt panicked.

Leonard placed his hand heavily on my shoulder, “you’re going nowhere. You’re under my care, here, in sickbay. You’re lucky I even let you have that PADD before.”

My speech was still pressured. I felt this insatiable urge to correct the source of my tension and guilt.“but something doesn’t add up. Starfleet has come a long way to make those converters fail-proof. This is almost too easy,” I sat myself up on my elbows. I was unsuccessful at hiding the discomfort.

“Sounds like work for someone else,” He didn’t seem bothered by my hysteria. I then felt the familiar pressure in my neck.

“Damn it, Leonard,” I managed softly before succumbing to quiet darkness.

I fluttered back into consciousness after an unknown amount of time. I quickly remembered the events prior to my forced rest and I cursed Leonard again. This time would be different. This time I was quiet. I looked around, and no one was in sick bay. I disregarded the pain in my side and ejected myself from the biobed. I peeked to find Leonard sleeping in his office. He was snoring, face-first into his folded arms on the desk. I felt angry at him, and although I still felt the urge to cover him with a blanket, I resisted. It was then I realized that I couldn’t fully trust Leonard to help me figure this out.

I saw the time: 0100 hours.

I was only clad in my sickbay-issued robe. I hurried as quickly as I could down the empty, dim lit corridor to our quarters. I’ve never noticed how chilled the halls of the ship were. When the doors closed behind me I sat at my desk, bracing my side as I logged in to look at the data we had collected. I knew that I didn’t have much time until Leonard woke up to find me not where he thinks I should be.

I grabbed my communicator. “Commander Spock, are you available?”

There was not long of a pause, “Indeed I am, Lieutenant. How are you recovering?”

“Spock, listen, I have to get back to the Loveland. Something isn’t right.”

“The Loveland was unable to recycle its theta radiation. Am I missing something?”

“Spock, the Loveland had features specifically to prevent that from happening. If this was 50 years ago, maybe that would be more plausible, but I think we need to investigate further. I didn’t get any bio samples from the crew, and I don’t know how much of the tricorder data I can trust. I at least need a sample to test for toxicology.”

“Your concern has been noted, Lieutenant, I will discuss this with the Captain.”

“Thank you, Spock—“

The doors to your quarters opened.

Leonard was furious, “There you are. Damn it, you need to rest,” he gestured to my side. “You’re still at risk for bleeding, you need to take it easy. I’m serious.”

“Leonard, I’m fine.” I refuted with a smile, attempting to assuage his worry.

“As your doctor, I get to be the judge of that, and I say you’re not!”

“Are you going to tranquilize me again?!” I quipped, still perturbed.

“Lord knows what you’re planning on doing, but I’m not letting you do it.”

“Leonard, don’t be ridiculous,” I said, my tone becoming somber. “I need to do this, Len. I want to figure out what happened to the crew of the Loveland. I can’t handle being idle right now. This is too easy. Like this is what someone wants us to think. I just- I just need some time to figure it out, that’s all. Stay and watch over me here if that makes you feel better. I will just go over what data we have.”

His face reflected feelings of apprehension and empathy. He paused to choose his words before continuing, “look, I’ve sat back and watched you run yourself into the ground, into a case. Always at your expense. And the only thing you get out of it are nightmares and anxiety. You need to let somethings go. You can’t take on all of this responsibility yourself. So what if you’re wrong? What does that really accomplish?”

“What does that accomplish?” What does it accomplish when you try so hard to save someone you know is going to die?!” My eyes stung from tears. My face was hot and I felt a wave of sadness crash over me, pulling me under towards anger.

“That’s not even remotely the same! Those people on the Loveland are dead! Decomposing, rotting, belonging-in-the-ground, dead!” He yelled.

“Listen to yourself! How can you disregard them so quick? Because you can’t save them?” I was so angry at him. He made me feel betrayed, belittled. “My work _has_ value, and it’s a necessity. Someone has to do it, and it can’t just be anyone. I take pride in myself for that. You can’t seem to cope with losing someone, as if it’s not the natural order of things. The burden of life itself, is death, and we are blind to think otherwise. It’s a risk we all know too well when we joined Starfleet.”

“This isn’t about your work, this is about you. This is about you taking care of yourself and staying safe, and not putting me through something like that again,” Leonard’s lip quivered in anger. “I’m not going to let you crash and burn for those who can’t be helped. You,” he grabbed my shoulders gently, “you can be helped.”

“Why is this so hard for you to understand? This is bigger than me. It’s always something bigger. We are here, Len, because we seek truths. We are empowered to look beyond ourselves in the service of the federation and all those who share this universe with us.” My voice took on a softer tone as I tried to help him understand.

“I’m not going to lose you, you’ve come too close, too many times,” Leonard was almost sounding defeated.

“I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be mean, but I have to do this, Len. My heart won’t just let the crew of the Loveland without telling their final story,” I said but he was still silent.

“I’m not trying to be mean either, but if you won’t see reason then I’m grounding you until further notice, _Lieutenant._


End file.
